"And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is
pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
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"Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt
Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That
was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to
tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault,
it wasn't the flight attendant's fault. It was the asphalt."
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"Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the
Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard
landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to
Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened
while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
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"Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing.
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to
the terminal."
***************************************************
"An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a
policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while
the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our
airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard
time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would
have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a
little old lady walking with a cane. She said,"Sir,
do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the
pilot. What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were
we shot down?"
*******************************************************
"After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on
with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt.
Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt
against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the
warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your
way through the wreckage to the terminal."
*********************************************************
"Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to
thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get
the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized
metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
*********************************************************
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over
the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles.
The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and
uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax...OH, MY GOSH!" Silence
followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the
intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared
you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant
accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see
the front of my pants! A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing.
You should see the back of mine!"
******************************************************
Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you
wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing
and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
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