Mike was going to be married to Tammy, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat......

He says, "Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother and said, "Here try these on."

She did and said, "These are too big, I can't wear them."

I replied, "Exactly I wear the pants in this family and I always will."

Ever since that night we have never had any problems.

"Hmmm," says Mike. He thinks that might be a good thing to try.

On his honeymoon, Mike takes off his pants and says to Tammy, "Here try these on."

She does and says, "These are too large, they don't fit me."

Mike says, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that."

Then Tammy takes off her pants and hands them to Mike and says, "Here you try on mine."

He does and says, "I can't get into your pants."

Tammy says, "Exactly. And, if you don't change your smart ass attitude, you never will."
*********************************************************************
A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I
haven't seen you in awhile. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
Bartender: "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that
before."
Pirate: "Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a
cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
Bartender: "Well, okay, but what about that hook? What
happened to your hand?"
Pirate: "We were in another battle, I boarded a ship and got
into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook,
so I'm fine."
Bartender: "What about that eye patch?"
Pirate: "Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds
flew over. I looked up and one of them pooped in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you wouldn't lose an
eye just from bird poop."
Pirate: "It was my first day with the hook."