DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME ...or anywhere else!

I think I know people who would do this!!!

Taser Classic...don't tell me you can read this without

laughing...

(Only a guy would do this!)

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket taser for

their anniversary submitted this :

Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking

for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I

came across was a 100,000-volt pocket/purse-sized taser.

The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived,

with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The

idea is to allow my wife -- who would never consider a

gun -- adequate time to retreat to safety.

WAY TOO COOL!!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it

home. I loaded in two triple-a batteries and pushed

the button. Nothing! I was disappointed.

But then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button

AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time,

I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth

between the prongs and I'd know it was working.

Awesome!!!

(Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn

spot is on the face of her microwave).

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking

to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two

triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on

intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the

directions and thinking that I really needed to try this

thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must

admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction

of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a

sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my

wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want

some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my

reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my

nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock

and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was

supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of

bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly

make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out

of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would

be wasting the batteries.

So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her

head cocked to one side as if to say, "don't do it,"

reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little

ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give
myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the

button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF

MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!@*!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side

door, picked me up in the recliner, and body slammed

us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on

fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm

tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling

in my legs.

You should know, if you ever feel compelled to "mug"

yourself with a taser,that there is no such thing as a
one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let

go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by

a violent thrashing about on the floor.

SON-OF-A-... that hurt like hell!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a

relative thing at that point), I collected what little wits I

had left, sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent

reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How

did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both

nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been

shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

I'm still looking for my testicles!! I'm offering a significant

reward for their safe return.

Still in shock,

Earl