FOOTBALL WIT

In high school football, the coach kept me on the bench all year. On
the last game of the season, the crowd was yelling, "We want Youngman! We
want Youngman!" The coach says, "Youngman - go see what they want!"

TURKEY WISDOM

For most people, Thanksgiving is a time to reflect on what we've been
given and savor the scents of crisp autumn days and pumpkin pie.

For me, it's a little more complicated.

One November afternoon when my daughter was in kindergarten, I picked
her up after school. She bobbed out to the car and crawled into the back
seat.

"What did you do today?" I asked. She couldn't wait to tell me.

"We learned that boys are different from girls," she chirped.

Looking into the rearview mirror, I could just see the top of her head.

"My teacher told us that boys have a thing the girls don't," she added

"Well, yes they do.." I said cautiously.

I couldn't think of anything else to say, so we were quiet for a
moment. Then she piped up again. "That's how girls know that boys are boys,"
she said. "They see that thing that hangs down and they know that he is
a boy."

I mentally calculated the distance home. Our five-minute commute
already felt like an hour.

"Did you know that when the boys see a girl they puff up?"

My palms were beginning to sweat. "Um...well..."

I was still searching for something new to say, to change the subject,
when she asked, "Why do the girls like the boys to have those things?"

Well I didn't know what to say. I mean, what woman hasn't asked herself
that question at least once?

"Oh, well...um..." I stammered.

She didn't wait for my answer. She had her own. "It's cause it moves
when they walk and then the girls see that and that's when they know they
are boys and that's when they like them. Then the boy sees the girl and
he puffs up, and then the girl knows he likes her, too. And then they
get married. And then they get cooked."

That last part confused me a bit, but on the whole I thought she had a
pretty good grasp on things.

As soon as we got home and I pulled into the garage, she hopped out of
the car, fishing something out of her school bag.

"I drew a picture," she said. "Do you want to see?"

I wasn't sure I did, but I looked at it anyway. I had to sit down.

There, all puffed up so to speak, looking mighty attractive for the
ladies, was a crayon drawing of a great big Tom Turkey. His snood, the
thing that hangs down over his beak, the thing that female turkeys find so
irresistible, was magnificent. His tail feathers were standing tall and
proud.

She was a little offended that I laughed so hard at her drawing, and I
laughed until I cried. But when I told her I loved it - and I did - she
got over her pique.

That was the end of that, for her anyway. But I'm not so lucky.

Every year I remember that conversation.

And to be honest, I haven't looked at a turkey, or a man, the same way
since.

QUICKIES

A bum came up to me saying "I haven't eaten in two days!" I said, "You
should force yourself!"

Another bum told me "I haven't tasted food all week." I told him "Don't
worry, it still tastes the same!"

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I
let her out.

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

During the war an Italian girl saved my life. She hid me in her
basement in Cleveland.

Why does the New Italian navy have glass bottom boats? To see the Old
Italian Navy!

A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman "Can I park
here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't
ask!"

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The
man says, "I make a good living."

A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. "Who is it?"
"Blind man!" The woman, naked, opens the door. "Where do you want these
blinds, lady?"

THE RIVER

You know a dream is like a river
ever changing as it flows;
And the dreamer's just a vessel
that must follow where it goes.

Trying to learn from what's behind you
never knowing what's in store;
Makes each day a constant battle
just to stay between the shores.

Too many times we stand beside
let the water slip away;
Till what we put off till tomorrow
has now become today.

So don't you sit upon the shoreline
and say you're satisfied;
Choose to chance the rapids
dare to dance the tide.