This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation between a US
Naval ship and the Canadians, off the coast of Newfoundland, in October
1995.

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid
a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to
avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to
the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert
your course.

Canadians: Negative. I say again, you will have to divert your course.

Americans: This is the aircraft carrier US Lincoln, the second largest
ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied by three
destroyers, three cruisers, and numerous support vessels. I demand that
you change your course 15 degrees north, say again, that's 15 degrees
north, or countermeasures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of
this ship.

Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.

WAYS to MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a
hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries
with that

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN".

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten
over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for smuggling
diamonds".

7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy".

8. Don't use any punctuation.

9. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat - with a serious face.

10. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

11. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds
all day at work.

12. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their
party because you're not in the mood.

13. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won! I won!"

14. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot
yelling, "run for your lives, they're loose!!"

15. Tell your children over dinner "due to the economy, we are going to
have to let one of you go."