An elderly couple was attending church services. About halfway through
she leans over and says to her husband, "I just let out a silent fart
what do you think I should do?"

He replies: "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
==========
THE LAWs of LIFE

Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly
proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a
busy signal.

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because
you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease
your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least
accessible corner.

Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were
in will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone
rings.

Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know
increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine
won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional
to the reach.

Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from
the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your
boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is
cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room,
they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich
of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the
newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what
you are talking about.

Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they
will stop making it.

Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
==========
GUESS WHO's COMING to DINNER?

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a dirty and
shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for
dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I
give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to
spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?"
the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20
years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead
of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless
man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead,
I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you
for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty
disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man
looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."
==========
PSA - YOUR MOUSE

If you hold down the Ctrl key on your key board and then turn the small
wheel in the middle of your mouse away from you or towards you, the
print size will change - it will either get larger or smaller - depending
on which way you turn the wheel.