"I'm so sorry, your duck has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm quite sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any
testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room and returned a
few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the ducks owner
looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front
paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He
then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments
later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed
delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed
softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this
is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned
to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he
handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, looked at the bill. "$900!", she
cried. "$900 just to tell me my duck is dead?"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry, if you'd taken my word for it, the bill
would have been $50, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan It's now
$900."
==========
AN EVERDAY SURVIVAL KIT

Toothpick
Rubber band
Band-Aid
Pencil
Eraser
Chewing gum
Mint
Candy kiss
Tea bag

Here's why:

Toothpick - to remind you to pick out the good qualities in others.

Rubber band - to remind you to be flexible, things might not always go
the way you want, but it will work out.

Band Aid - to remind you to heal hurt feelings, yours or someone
else's.

Pencil - to remind you to list your blessings everyday.

Eraser - to remind you that everyone makes mistakes, and it is okay.

Chewing gum - to remind you to stick with it and you can accomplish
anything.

Mint - to remind you that you are worth a mint to your family and
friends.

Candy kiss - to remind you that everyone needs a kiss or a hug
everyday.

Tea bag - to remind you to relax daily and go over the list of your
blessings.
==========
THE SOLDIER
--author Unknown

A story is told about a soldier who is finally coming home after having
fought in Vietnam. He called his parents from San Francisco. "Mom and
Dad, I'm coming home, but I've a favor to ask. I have a friend I'd
like to bring home with me." "Sure," they replied, "we'd love to meet
him." "There's something you should know," the son continues, "he was
hurt pretty badly in the fighting. He stepped on a land mind and lost an
arm and a leg. He has nowhere else to go, and I want him to come live
with us."

"I'm sorry to hear that, son. Maybe we can help him find somewhere to
live."
"No, Mom and Dad, I want him to live with us."

"Son," said the father, "you don't know what you're asking. Someone
with such a handicap would be a terrible burden on us. We have our own
lives to live, and we can't let something like this interfere with our
lives. I think you should just come home and forget about this guy.
He'll find a way to live on his own."

At that point, the son hung up the phone.

The parents heard nothing more from him. A few days later, however,
they received a call from the San Francisco police. Their son had died
after falling from a building, they were told. The police believed it
was suicide. The grief-stricken parents flew to San Francisco and were
taken to the city morgue to identify the body of their son. They
recognized him, but to their horror they also discovered something they
didn't know, their son had only one arm and one leg.

The parents in this story are like many of us. We find it easy to love
those who are good-looking or fun to have around, but we don't like
people who inconvenience us or make us feel uncomfortable. We would
rather stay away from people who aren't as healthy, beautiful, or smart as
we are. Thankfully, there's someone who won't treat us that way.
Someone who loves us with an unconditional love that welcomes us into the
forever family, regardless of how messed up we are. Tonight, before you
tuck yourself in for the night, say a little prayer that God will give
you the strength you need to accept people as they are, and to help us
all be more understanding of those who are different from us!
==========
ENLIGHTENMENT
by Swami Beyondananda

1. Be a Fundamentalist--make sure the Fun always comes before the
mental. Realize that life is a situation comedy that will never be
canceled. A laugh track has been provided, and the reason why we are put in
the material world is to get more material. Have a good laughsitive
twice a day, and that will ensure regularhilarity.

2. Remember that each of us has been given a special gift, just for
entering - so you are already a winner!

3. The most powerful tool on the planet today is Tell-A-Vision. That
is where I tell a vision to you, and you tell a vision to me. That way,
if we don't like the programming we're getting, we can simply change
the channel.

4. Life is like photography. You use the negative to develop.

5. It is true. As we go through life thinking heavy thoughts, thought
particles tend to get caught between the ears, causing a condition
called truth decay. So be sure to use mental floss twice a day. And when
you're tempted to practice tantrum yoga, remember what we teach in
Swami's Absurdiveness Training class: 'Don't get even, get odd.'

6. If we want world peace, we must let go of our attachments and truly
live like nomads. That's where I no mad at you, you no mad at me. That
way, there'll surely be nomadness on the planet. And peace begins with
each of us. A little peace here, a little peace there, pretty soon all
the peaces will fit together to make one big peace everywhere.

7. I know great earth changes have been predicted for the future, so if
you're looking to avoid earthquakes, my advice is simple. When you
find a fault, just don't dwell on it.

8. There's no need to change the world. All we have to do is toilet
train the world, and we'll never have to change it again.

9. If you're looking to find the key to the Universe, I have some bad
news and some good news. The bad news is: there is no key to the
Universe. The good news is: it has been left unlocked.

10. Finally, everything I have told you is channeled. That way, if you
don't like it, it's not my fault. And remember, enlightenment is not a
bureaucracy. So we don't have to go through channels.
==========
THE STUDENT
by Sister Helen P. Mrosla

He was in the first third grade class I taught at Saint Mary's School
in Morris, Minn. All 34 of my students were dear to me, but Mark Eklund
was one in a million. Very neat in appearance, but had that
happy-to-be-alive attitude that made even his occasional mischievousness
delightful.

Mark talked incessantly. I had to remind him again and again that
talking without permission was not acceptable. What impressed me so much,
though, was his sincere response every time I had to correct him for
misbehaving - "Thank you for correcting me, Sister!" I didn't know what
to make of it at first, but before long I became accustomed to hearing
it many times a day.

One morning my patience was growing thin when Mark talked once too
often, and then I made a novice teacher's mistake. I looked at Mark and
said, "If you say one more word, I am going to tape your mouth shut!"

It wasn't ten seconds later when Chuck blurted out; "Mark is talking
again." I hadn't asked any of the students to help me watch Mark, but
since I had stated the punishment in front of the class, I had to act on
it. I remember the scene as if it had occurred this morning. I walked
to my desk, very deliberately opened my drawer, and took out a roll of
masking tape. Without saying a word, I proceeded to Mark's desk, tore
off two pieces of tape, and made a big X with them over his mouth. I
then returned to the front of the room. As I glanced at Mark to see how
he was doing, he winked at me.

That did it! I started laughing. The class cheered as I walked back
to Mark's desk, removed the tape, and shrugged my shoulders. His first
words were "Thank you for correcting me, Sister."

At the end of the year, I was asked to teach junior-high math. The
years flew by, and before I knew it Mark was in my classroom again. He
was more handsome than ever and just as polite. Since he had to listen
carefully to my instruction in the "new math," he did not talk as much
in ninth grade as he had in third.

One Friday, things just didn't feel right. We had worked hard on a new
concept all week and I sensed that the students were frowning,
frustrated with themselves and edgy with one another. I had to stop this
crankiness before it got out of hand. So I asked them to list the names of
the other students in the room on two sheets of paper, leaving a space
between each name. Then I told them to think of the nicest thing they
could say about each of their classmates and write it down. It took
the remainder of the class period to finish their assignment, and as the
students left the room, each one handed me the papers. Charlie smiled.
Mark said, "Thank you for teaching me, Sister. Have a good weekend."

That Saturday, I wrote down the name of each student on a separate
sheet of paper, and I listed what everyone else had said about that
individual. On Monday I gave each student his or her list. Before long, the
entire class was smiling. "Really?" I heard whispered. "I never knew
that meant anything to anyone!" "I didn't know others liked me so
much."

No one ever mentioned those papers in class again. I never knew if
they discussed them after class or with their parents, but it didn't
matter. The exercise had accomplished its purpose. The students were happy
with themselves and one another again.

That group of students moved on. Several years later, after I returned
from vacation, my parents met me at the airport. As we were driving
home, Mother asked me the usual questions about the trip the weather, my
experiences in general. There was a lull in the conversation. Mother
gave Dad a sideways glance and simply says, "Dad?" My father cleared
his throat as he usually did before something important.

"The Eklunds called last night," he began. "Really?" I said. "I
haven't heard from them in years. I wonder how Mark is." Dad responded
quietly. "Mark was killed in Vietnam," he said. "The funeral is
tomorrow, and his parents would like it if you could attend." To this day I
can still point to the exact spot on I-494 where Dad told me about Mark.

I had never seen a serviceman in a military coffin before. Mark looked
so handsome, so mature. All I could think at that moment was, "Mark I
would give all the masking tape in the world if only you would talk to
me."

The church was packed with Mark's friends. Chuck's sister sang "The
Battle Hymn of the republic." Why did it have to rain on the day of the
funeral? It was difficult enough at the graveside. The pastor said
the usual prayers, and the bugler played taps. One by one those who
loved Mark took a last walk by the coffin and sprinkled it with holy water.
I was the last one to bless the coffin. As I stood there, one of the
soldiers who acted as pallbearer came up to me. "Were you Mark's math
teacher?" he asked. I nodded as I continued to stare at the coffin.
"Mark talked about you a lot," he said.

After the funeral, most of Mark's former classmates headed to Chuck's
farmhouse for lunch. Mark's mother and father were there, obviously
waiting for me. "We want to show you something," his father said, taking
a wallet out of his pocket. "They found this on Mark when he was
killed. We thought you might recognize it." Opening the billfold, he
carefully removed two worn pieces of notebook paper that had obviously been
taped, folded and refolded many times. I knew without looking that the
papers were the ones on which I had listed all the good things each of
Mark's classmates had said about him. "Thank you so much for doing
that," Mark's mother said. "As you can see, Mark treasured it."

Mark's classmates started to gather around us. Charlie smiled rather
sheepishly and said, "I still have my list. It's in the top drawer of
my desk at home." Chuck's wife said, "Chuck asked me to put his in our
wedding album." "I have mine too," Marilyn said. "It's in my diary."
Then Vicki, another classmate, reached into her pocketbook, took out
her wallet and showed her worn and frazzled list to the group. "I carry
this with me at all time," Vicki said without batting an eyelash. "I
think we all saved our lists." That's when I finally sat down and
cried. I cried for Mark and for all his friends who would never see him
again.