Almost Silent
A new monk at a monastery took a vow of silence. He was allowed to speak only once a year, and then he could only say TWO words.
At the end of the 1st year he went to the head monk, and said, "Bed Hard".
At the end of the 2nd year he went to the head monk, and said, "Room Cold".
At the end of the 3rd year he went to the head monk, and said, "I Quit".
The head monk replied, "It doesn't surprise me, all you've done since you got here was Bitch, Bitch Bitch”!

Clinton Days
Back during the Clinton presidency days, the president once stepped down from Air force one carrying a pig under each arm.
As he come down the ramp, the Marine at the bottom snapped to a salute.
Clinton said, "You'll have to excuse me. I can't return your salute. My hands are full."
"Yes Sir. I see the pigs Sir!" responded the Marine.
"Now hold on," said Clinton. "These aren't just pigs. These are genuine Arkansas Razorbacks."
"Yes Sir! Razorbacks Sir!" said the Marine.
"I got this one for Chelsea and this one for Hillary," Clinton explained.
The Marine answered, "Yes Sir! An excellent trade if I may say so myself Sir!"

Devil's Voice
The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought. "How could you do this!" he exclaimed.
"I don't know," she wailed, "I was standing in the store looking at the dress. Then I found myself trying it on. It was like the Devil was whispering to me, 'Gee, you look great in that dress. You should buy it.'"
"Well," the pastor persisted, "You know how to deal with him! Just tell him, "Get behind me, Satan!"
"I did," replied his wife, "but then he said "It looks great from back here, too!"

Heaven And Hell
Heaven is where the police are British, the Chefs are Italians, the mechanics German, the lovers french and it is all organized by the Swiss.
Hell is where the police are German, the chefs are British, the mechanics French, the lovers Swiss and it is all organized by the Italians.
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How do you know you are in double jeopardy? When a lawyer calls in his partner.

Did your lawyer give you bad advice? No. He charged me for it.