Missing Golfer

A builder and a priest are out for a game of golf one afternoon. Unfortunately the builder wasn't very good at the game and every time he missed a shot would shout 'Shit, missed'.

The game went on and after several outbursts from the builder; the priest could hold his tongue no longer. "Don't swear like that" he told his friend, "or God will punish you". The builder apologized and the game continued.

As soon as he missed another shot the builder shouted "Shit, missed." and continued to do this every time he missed a shot for the next three holes. The priest was starting to get really angry by now and said "I must insist that you stop swearing this instant, otherwise God will hear you and punish you!"

Once again, his pleas made no difference as the builder missed an easy putt on the seventeenth green and shouted out "Shit, missed". Immediately the heavens parted and a bolt of lightning flew from the sky, hitting the priest and killing him stone dead.

Suddenly, a booming voice was heard in the clouds, "Shit, missed!"

Tough Mice
Three mice are at a bar, having drinks, talking about how tough they are. The first mouse slams down a shot of booze, says, "Let me tell you how tough I am."

I spot a trap and go for the cheese. When it snaps, I snatch the bar and bench press it 20 or so times and before it can close I'm outa there!" and he tosses down another shot.

The second mouse slams down a shot and says, "You think that's tough? When I find a pile of d-con, I crush it and snort it like it's cocaine." With that he throws down another shot and slams his shotglass on the bar.

The first two are staring at the third mouse, waiting to see what he has to say for himself.

He fires down a shot of booze, throws down his glass and heads for the door. His buddies look at each other, then at him and say, "Hey, where are YOU going?"

The third mouse says, "I haven't got time for this shit, I need to get home to screw the cat."

What's In A Name

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't remember your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't recall it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just looked at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"