Subject:
Seniors Lives

Mildred, 93, was despondent over the

recent death of her husband Earl,

so she decided to just kill herself

and join him in death.

Thinking it would be best to get it

over with quickly, she took out Earl's old

Army pistol and made the decision to

shoot herself in the heart since it was

so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become

a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called

her doctor's office to learn her heart's exact location.

"Since you're a woman,"

the doctor said,

"your heart is just below your left breast.

Why do you ask?"

She hung up without answering

Later that night,

Mildred was admitted to the hospital

with a gunshot wound to her knee.

=

Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect,

it means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections!
Two Old Seniors

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."

When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea." Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big turd he always was."

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat.. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise." The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?" She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.

I said, "Well, why are you crying?" She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m." I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?" She said, "I can't remember where I live!"

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

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THE SENILITY PRAYER
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 10.
Oh heck, send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are. Then something is supposed to happen . . I think......Oh Yeah, some will read it and some will delete it.

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The Bag Lady"
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every
once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the
pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am,
there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..."

"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back
and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you
get all that money? Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back
yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium.
Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee
in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"

"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big
hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his
little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it
comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good
luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well," says the little old lady, "not all of them pay."