"When my mother had to get dinner for 8 she'd just make enough for 16 and only serve half." --Gracie Allen

SUNDAY WIT & WISDOM: 30 July 2006

A FEW QUICKIES

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The
first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he
calls it a poem, they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a
piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words
on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to
collect all the money!"
---
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything,
including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told
him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week
his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said,
"Johnny, what is the matter?"

Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to
have a wife."
---
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong
preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about
all this Satan stuff?"

The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's
probably just your Dad."
---
When the guy at the door said, "Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms," I just
assumed it was more supplies.
---
Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole in Pineville,
La., looking up. A blonde lady walks by and asks what they are doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," says Bubba, "but
we don't have a ladder."

The woman takes a wrench from her purse, loosens a few bolts, and lays
the pole down. She then takes a tape measure from her pocket, measures,
and announces, "eighteen feet, six inches" and walks away.

Junior shakes his head and laughs. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde?
We ask for the height, and she gives us the length.

Bubba and Junior are currently doing government work supervising the
reconstruction of the New Orleans levees.
==========
HOW TO FIND SUCCESS
--by Steve Goodier

Rabbi Harold Kushner tells a wonderful story about a bright young man
who was a sophomore Stanford pre-med student. To reward him for having
done so well in school, his parents gave him a trip to the Asia for the
summer.

While there he met a guru who said to him, "Don't you see how you are
poisoning your soul with this success-oriented way of life? Your idea of
happiness is to stay up all night studying for an exam so you can get a
better grade than your best friend. Your idea of a good marriage is not
to find the woman who will make you whole, but to win the girl that
everyone else wants.

"That's not how people are supposed to live," the sage admonished.
"Give it up; come join us in an atmosphere where we all share and love each
other."

The young man had completed four years at a competitive high school to
get into Stanford, plus two years of pre-med courses at the university.
He was ripe for this sort of approach. He called his parents from Tokyo
and told them he would not be coming home. He was dropping out of
school to live in an ashram (a spiritual retreat).

Six months later, his parents got this letter from him:

"Dear Mom and Dad,

I know you weren't happy with the decision I made last summer, but I
want to tell you how happy it has made me. For the first time in my life,
I am at peace. Here there is no competing, no hustling, no trying to
get ahead of anyone else. Here we are all equal, and we all share. This
way of life is so much in harmony with the inner essence of my soul that
in only six months I've become the number two disciple in the entire
ashram, and I think I can be number one by June!"

What this young man didn't get is that it's not always about
competition and achievement -- doing more and doing it faster than anyone else.
It's not HOW you do it; it is WHAT you do. Success is more about doing
the RIGHT thing. Miss that, and nothing else matters.

Someone put it like this: "I spent my life frantically climbing the
ladder of success. When I got to the top I realized it was leaning against
the wrong building." Even if he got to the top first, it made no
difference. There is no merit in being first to arrive at the wrong place.

Do you know what one difference between efficient and effective is? One
who is efficient does the thing in the best possible way; one who is
effective does the best possible thing. More important than efficiency is
effectiveness. More important than climbing highest is climbing the
right ladder.

Blessed are those who accomplish...the right thing. Blessed are those
who scale the mountain and, whether or not they even make it to the top,
they know they chose the right path. These people will have found
success.
==========
A WALL is a WALL

A CNN reporter went to Israel to cover the fighting. She was looking
for something emotional and positive and of human interest. Something
like the man in Sarajevo who risked his life to play the cello everyday in
the town square.

In Jerusalem, she heard about an old Jew who's been going to the
Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time. So she
went to check it out.

She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was! She watches him pray and
after about 45 minutes, when he turns to leave, she approaches him for
an interview.

"Rebecca Smith, CNN News. Sir, how long have you been coming to the
Wailing Wall and praying?"

"For about 50 years."

"What do you pray for?"

"For peace between the Jews and the Arabs. For all the hatred to stop.
For our children to grow up in safety and friendship."

"How do you feel after doing this for 50 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a f-----g wall."
==========
THE SIGN

One day, there was a blind man sitting on the steps of a building with
a hat by his feet and a sign that read: "I am blind, please help." A
creative publicist was walking by and stopped to observe. He saw that the
blind man had only a few coins in his hat. He dropped in more coins
and, without asking for permission, took the sign and rewrote it. He
returned the sign to the blind man and left. That afternoon the publicist
returned to the blind man and noticed that his hat was full of bills and
coins.

The blind man recognized his footsteps and asked if it was he who had
rewritten his sign and wanted to know what he had written on it. The
publicist responded: "Nothing that was not true. I just wrote the message
a little differently." He smiled and went on his way.

The new sign read: "Today is Spring and I cannot see it."
==========
HUMAN BODY QUIZ

You might wake up with it, eat with it and sleep with it, but how well
do you really know your body? Take the human body quiz to see how well
you really know yourself - inside and out.

http://www.abc.net.au/science/quizzes/humanbody/
==========
Peace, balance, & harmony.