How Government Contracts Work
Three contractors are bidding to fix the White House fence. One from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, Florida. They go with a fairly new White House official to examine the fence.

The Florida contractor does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says. "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers: "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

"Easy," the Jersey man explains, "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we hire that Tennessee guy”.

Undercover
A tourist asks a man in uniform, "Are you a policeman?"
"No, I am an undercover detective."
"So why are you in uniform?"
"Today is my day off."

The New supermarket
The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of a thunderstorm and the smell of fresh rain.

Approaching the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and detect the scent of fresh butter fat.

Approaching the egg case, you hear hens cackle & the air has the pleasing aroma of eggs frying.

So far, I have been too afraid to go down the toilet paper aisle.

Enlarging The Breast

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does not help. She still stands in front of the mirror asking him how she looks. One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.

The husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks.

"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"

The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it?"