"If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use: Two strong oxen
or 1024 chickens?" --
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MEDICAL HUMOR
1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in
the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's
dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were
several cabs ---and I was in the wrong one."
2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I
instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her
husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes
later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a
"massive internal fart."
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he
informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his
medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The
patch, the nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm
running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered
what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new
one.
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long
have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered..."Why,
not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."
6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this
morning?" "It's very good, except for the
7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a
young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a
variety of tattoos and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly
determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for
immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the
staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a
threat, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the
surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing which said, "Sorry,
had to mow the lawn."
8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was
quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my
embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The
middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out
laughing, further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly
said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor,
but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer
Wiener."