Iowa captures all '08 candidates

State says it will only release prisoners if they promise to never come back to Iowa again.

Des Moines, Iowa — Representatives from the key primary state of Iowa announced today that state police have detained every major presidential candidate during various campaign stops over the past week. Governor Chet Culver released a videotape stating that the hostages would be freed only if Iowa was made exempt from the presidential primary election and that the candidates promise to never return.

Iowans took to the street by the dozen to celebrate the move.

“Every day it’s another goddamned barbecue with a politician,” said Des Moines resident Rich Madison. “This takes over our entire lives every four years. You just can’t know what it’s like.”

Due to Iowa’s early U.S. presidential primary election, the state has received intense attention from both presidential candidates and the international media. The drastic measures taken by the state may indicate that Iowa officials believe that the undue weight in determining party nominations is fundamentally unfair, or that the citizens of Iowa simply want news vans moved off their lawns.

“You can say that Iowans have a huge responsibility in helping to set the tone for the entire election cycle by building momentum for one candidate while stifling it for another,” said Madison. “But seriously, it’s not worth it. It’s time for somebody else take over.”

Reports have surfaced that the candidates are generally being treated well but that New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani is likely to get executed for not obeying his captors.