1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs ---and I was in the wrong one."

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch, the nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered..."Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."

6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a threat, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing, further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener."
----------
LISTEN WITH YOUR EYES
--by Steve Goodier

An expert on whales was telling friends about some of the unusual findings he had made. "For instance," he said, "some whales can communicate at a distance of 300 miles."

"What on earth would one whale say to another 300 miles away?" asked a sarcastic member of the group.

"I'm not absolutely sure," answered the expert, "but it sounds something like this: 'Heeeeeeey! Can you hear me nowwww!?!' "

Hearing well is only part of effective communication. But another, and often more important part, is frequently overlooked. It does not concern the ears, however, but the eyes.

According to Leil Lowndes (TALKING THE WINNER'S WAY, Contemporary Books) Boston researchers asked opposite-sex individuals to have a two-minute casual conversation. They tricked half their subjects into maintaining intense eye contact by directing them to count the number of times their partner blinked. They gave the other half of the subjects no special eye-contact directions for the chat.

When questioned afterward, the unsuspecting blinkers reported significantly higher feelings of respect and fondness for their colleagues who, unbeknownst to them, had simply been counting their blinks. One might conclude that, for respect and fondness, count blinks! But the larger message is: good eye contact will dramatically improve your relationships.

Ears are not the only organs essential for great listening. Whether you're talking to a spouse, a colleague, a neighbor, a child or a stranger, eye contact is essential. When eyes are focused away from distractions and onto the speaker, the message you communicate most clearly is, "I value you."

Today, listen with your eyes -- and "see" what you've been missing!
----------
PREGNANCY Q & A

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife's in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
----------
LET GO!
--by Steve Goodier

One newspaper advice columnist was asked if there was a predominant theme in her readers' request for help. She replied, "Yes, there is -- fear. People are afraid of losing their loved ones, their health, their wealth. People are afraid of life itself."

Going to the dentist is a fearful experience for many people. One man jokingly listed his middle name as "Wimp" on the admittance form. The receptionist read it, laughed and assured him that there was nothing to worry about. "Besides," she added, "many patients felt the same way."

Half an hour later, the same receptionist came into the waiting room. Looking directly at the nervous patient, she said, smiling, "The doctor will now see the wimp."

Three other people got up with him.

At least those people were there! Too often we find it easier to avoid a thing we fear and never grow beyond it. In order to do all we want to do and to live as fully as possible, we will have to learn to manage our fears.

I believe that it was Dr. Paul Tournier who once compared life to a man swinging on a trapeze. Back and forth he went. The bar was his whole life -- back and forth, back and forth. He hung on tightly and felt secure. He knew nothing other than swinging on the trapeze -- back and forth.

Then one day another bar came into view and he faced a dilemma. What was he to do? Should he reach for the new bar? Should he take the chance ... abandon the security he'd always known and venture forth to a new place? He felt excited, and a little scared.

The moment of truth dawned, however, when he realized that, in order to reach the new bar, he would have to LET GO of the old one. The thought terrified him. But he knew that he could never move ahead unless he left the place where he was.

Our lives are filled with fearful moments and anxious decisions. Managing the fear sometimes means letting go and just doing it. It's the only way to move ahead.

Do you need to let go and take hold of that new thing? The reward could be the life you've been wanting.